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better than bleh
2003-11-03 @ 1:05 p.m.
i've been so fucked up in the head over the past week: sad, mad, insecure, indecisive, irritable, self-loathing, cranky and otherwise super moody. and it came to a head this weekend. this morning i realized that, aside from the fact that in five weeks i'm leaving DC and moving across the country, there are a number of other stressors that contributed to my wack state of mind. 1. daylight savings. when the day gets dark earlier, my mood always gets jacked up. i remember hanging with a group of friends last year right after daylight savings and we were all feeling shitty and didn't know why. it doesn't seem like one hour would make all that much difference, but i think it really does. 2. my mom just moved to montana. meaning my whole family dynamic is in upheaval. my parents will be living in different states. and to answer the oft-asked question, "are they getting divorced?," i don't think so, but i dont' know. after almost five years i'm moving back across the country and when i get there my mom won't be there. that's kinda weird. 3. the fact that i moving across the country (notice a theme here?) in a little over a month really just dawned on me. i'm still in slight denial about this. i haven't picked an actual last day of work yet, i haven't told my landlord i'm moving yet and i haven't bought my plane ticket yet. the days of an open ended departure are drawing to a close. 4. i started packing. put all my books and about half my clothes in boxes. separated clothes to sell and give away. put aside books i won't read to sell on half.com. seeing the boxes and the absence of my books on shelves has some intense impact on me. 5. asshead jill started contacting me, employing half-assed attempts to apologize for leaving me hanging literally and emotionally and asking for forgiveness with an undertone of wanting to be excused and get off scott-free. this brought up all sort of relationship insecurities and anger and rubbed on barely-healed scars from old wounds. it was mostly bubbling under the surface, but like the big red almost-pimple on my forehead right now, i still know it's there and it's still affecting me. 6. angela was somehow, slightly mad at me for not calling jill up and telling her to stop contacting me. in other words, i wasn't dealing with it the way she thought i should. she briefly tried to compare it when i made her do the same thing with her own ex, which is diffent on so many levels. 7. big drama at work. my team and i called a meeting with all the bosses and head people to work on strategies for running things more smoothly in our department. sounds pro-active right? an effort to be commended and supported, right? but, as i feared, it turned into an arena to criticize our lack of perfection. 8. i wrote the announcement for my job position opening. which is kind of weird. i got all emotional and started crying when i finished. i've been here so long--a few months shy of five years. it's part family, part love, part hell and large part weird fucked up codependent relationship that so hard to pull yourself away from. 9. celexa. didn't refill my prescription right away, so i was off of it for about three days. which messes with my head and my body chemistry. 10. the deadline for applications for spring term at mills. which leads to my last point, the the ever-present stress and fears about relocating, school and all the stuff that goes along with that---housing, money, friends, community... see, so it makes sense that i was jacked up. fingers crossed that this week will be better.
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