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still a dyke
2003-03-10 @ 1:16 a.m.
i'm not any less of a dyke than you because i'm quote unquote femme, whereas you have short, spiked bleached blonde or dyed black hair. i'm not any less of a dyke than you because of how i dress, how i wear my hair or because the pitch of my voice is higher than yours. i'm not less of a dyke because my shirt is tight and yours is a range of more loose. i'm not any more or less of a gender performer than you. nor am i any more or less gender confused. this whole butch-femme rift and community division passed off as a dichotomy or sexual titillation is bullshit and unnecessary. if i wanted to feel silenced or ridiculed i could go hang out with a bunch of straight boys and get similar treatment without feeling slapped in the face or just flat-out disregarded or ignored by my supposed community. yeah, i can pass in the straight world. and yes, i get catcalls and "hey sexy" or "nice ass" shouted at me, rather than "hey dyke." but i'm really not interested in playing oppression poker with you or anyone else. i don't totally go for the theory that "butchie girls are threatened by femmes because they want to fuck us" theory. i'm all for fucking where and when it pleases you, but i'm not a dyke or a femme so that i can deal with the same old shit you'll find in the rest of the world and throughout history. i'm as much of a gender performer as you are. i'll give you props that perhaps you do it more consciously. or perhaps you don't. i don't know why i dress or wear my hair as i currently do. i only know that this is what makes me feel good when i look in the mirror right now. this is my inside turned out a little bit. and then also not. i'm also discovering this sexy thing. this sexy potential or possibility in me. and right now sexy for me comes out in this particular way. for whatever reason i feel sexy right now when i'm dressed as a girl. and again, i don't want to play oppression poker. or maybe i do? i'm a writer, i'm spiritual, i'm a feminist, i'm political, i'm a dyke. in no particular order. why is it that it's sometimes hardest in our own communities? maybe it's because it's a safe place to struggle, to have our voices heard. i'm not asking for any femme privelege or special exceptions. i'm just reacting when someone reiterates twice in front of me that they could "never date a femme." right now, i'm also reacting to the fact that you seemed so fucking irritated at the high pitches and fast-talking of the "femmes." because i heard the pitch of your voice go up when the girlboi you like or whatever called on your cellphone. then again someone might ask "what have you done for your/the community" lately?" and the answer is that well, i guess i really haven't done anything lately. but i don't think that makes me any less entitled to community.
fine. long story short. hanging out with someone in particular tonight made me fucking think. and not enough people lately turn my shit upside down and make me think and question and want to move forward in entirely new ways. she's either fascinating or an asshole, or some combination of the two. though i'm leaning toward a cocky yet insecure version of the latter.
long story shorter, so what if i like girly shit.
ps. any wrath detected was not directed at anyone i know who reads this diary.
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