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for lack of a better word
2005-11-14 @ 12:20 p.m.
i call it depression because i don't have another word for it. this thing i have, this way i am. or so i've thought. after being on anti-depressants for over five years, i'm reassesing it all and working to figure out how to move forward from here. i currently take 40mg of citalopram (finally, the patent on celexa was up and i can pay generic price for it). i used to take 100mg of wellbutrin to counter the sexual side effects of celexa that psychiatrists swear don't exist for women. so my previous near-inability to have orgasms was all in my head then, i suppose? perhaps not, because wellbutrin was like my sexpot pill. years back i took remeron to help me sleep. but even taking just a quarter of the smallest dosage knocked my ass out. i would be talking on the phone and have to say "sorry, gotta go. no seriously, like right now," because i knew i was about to be literally pulled under into sleep. over the past five years antidepressants have, without a doubt, helped me. how, why, and what the confoudning factors are, i don't exactly know and cannot quite sort out. but here, right now, today i'm not sure they're doing anything for me. and the scientific/medical world has no way to quanitfy whether they're not. the psychiatrist i just started going to for advice on tapering off meds said a variety of things: if it's not broke don't fix it; if you're asking my advice, i'd say stay on the drugs but if you wanted to taper off i'd support you. are you fucking kidding me? this she tells me without any answer of how long i should be on these drugs. indefinitely? i don't think i want to stay on a drug just because. i've been readthing through studies online. i've read medical critiques of SSRI antidepressants. there isn't long term data for people like me. the studies i was glancing over today involved less than 200 people who were followed for 4 to 6 weeks. which is so not relevant or helpful for me.
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