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back in california
2004-01-06 @ 10:18 a.m.
I did it. I moved. I'm in California now. I left DC three weeks ago, and it's taken until now for me to actually write about it. It's taken this long to actually admit to myself and the world that I left. Because I had a really great life there, and it's such a huge transition. My mind and emotions are still in a fairly constant state of crazy overwhelmed. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to live... you know, little things like that. I'm looking for apartments in Oakland and interviewed for a cool job in SF. But a decision hasn't been made on the job yet and the apartment search is slightly hellacious. I had been planning on starting n MFA program at a particular little school in the Oakland hills which shall remain nameless, but after even more months of bullshit from them, that's off, and I'm left feeling quite purposeless at times. My saint of a girlfriend deserves so much credit for helping me get through all my little meltdowns. Meltdowns which are probably exacerbated because she's still in DC. Without unlimited night & weekend minutes and a super cheap pre-paid calling card, I don't know what we'd do until she moves out here in February. I have moments, less frequently now i'm happy to report, where I'm like shit, I think I made the wrong decision. Why did I move out here. When the plane from Dulles landed in Oakland is when it first hit me. But all my friends tell me they're so proud of me for following a dream, leaping and moving out here. My life hasn't been this up in the air in so long. As a control freak, this is bothersome. After finally getting the hell out of the job I was at for almost five years, this is really really really good for me. Resting time. Rejuvenation time. I was overdue for leaving. It was beyond time to get out. I've joined the vast network of refugees from that place. Any bitterness detected is in fact real. I'm in need of much healing time. Ew. Tthe dog just farted. Blech. < / stinky sidenote> I'm staying with my dad in Sacramento until I find a place in Oakland. It's less than ideal, but it's completely free. Which is good seeing as I have no income as of late. As unnerving as this whole process has been and continues to be, it's still a good thing. Last night, while driving around looking for a kinkos because the one I used to go to up and moved, I realized that I needed to get away. Needed a number of steps back from my life in DC. outside of work, life was great. but work was such a huge part of my life. Having the image of a whole quasi-mainstream movement resting on one's shoulders can be quite stress-inducing. I've needed to regroup with myself and figure out who I am again. My identity was soooo tied in with that job and I need to untangle from that. And such. So here I am. Figuring things out day by day. Rather than trying to live off The Plan. Smacks of personal growth.
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