|
transition terror
2003-12-01 @ 8:34 a.m.
i'm terrified really. i'm moving back to the west coast in 14 days and have absolutely no plan. correction, i had a plan, but it appears to be falling through. mills college called me a week ago to tell me they're not accepting any mfa applicants for the spring term, not even looking at any applications. i'm pissed off and freaked out. this was supposed to work. i figured it would just happen, that i would start school in january. now i don't know what to do. i'm supposed to be this fast-track feminist media relations activist superstar or something, right? internally freaking out is becoming so common to me i think maybe i don't even notice it as much. i don't know what to do. sure, i can get a job. i can temp or something. outside of My Plan, i don't know what i want to do. my girlfriend suggested that maybe it's time for me to take a break from The Plan. the one where everything is neat and tidy and works out ok. where i know exactly what i'm doing and it's all safe and comfy and i'm doing things the way i should. people aren't supposed to move across the country without a job or a plan, right? where do i get these rules from anyway? maybe it is time to break free from living my resume for a while. but that scares the shit out of me. for the past 4 1/2 years my identity has been all tied up in my job. among all the other things it does and doesn't do for me, it makes me feel important. there's this huge part of me, like 96.724594% of me that feels like i'm nothing without that job, that i'm nothing without those credentials. i don't buy into the whole status thing too much though. or do i? i'm inclined to say i don't really care whether other people think i'm important because of my job. but perhaps i do. much of the time it's to throw it in people's faces that a young, pinkish haired, non-traditional DC clothes wearer could actually have a job that commands respect. i've been able to do a lot for my age. and i'm freaking out about giving it all up. maybe i've had this vendetta, something to prove to the world. maybe i've had something to prove to myself. when i was close to finishing college i was deadset on moving to new york. that morphed into being deadset on moving to DC and working in the feminist movement. i had no job, not much money and no place to live by the time i was planning to move out here. but i wasn't fucking scared of anything. i knew what i wanted, i knew what i was going to do. and somehow things all came together, an earlier version of my current job fell in my lap and i built this life for myself here. before my best friend mary moved back to the west coast, we were both westside transplants on the east coast. we talked about how it seems like one of the biggest differences is that out here (east coast) you are your job, you are what you do. whereas out there (west coast) you just are who you are. and yeah this is probably a huge generalization, but there is some truth to it. maybe it's just being who i am that scares me. especially in DC, one of the first questions someone will ask you is "what do you do?" it's beyond even just where do you work. but at the same time, everyone here (ok, i know that's a sweeping statement) has interesting jobs, works on various issues. out of my group of friends, each of us is from a different place. dallas, portland, miami, LA, wisconsin. we're all transplants. moved to DC on our own, by ourselves to pursue something, to be in the midst of the political machine and work for something we believe in. i don't think this entry has had any point other than to get this all out. at least this little bit, because there's plenty more swirling around inside me.
<< - >>
|