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sigh
2005-04-25 @ 2:28 p.m.
[caution: entering a grammar-stupid, brain hemorrhage zone] 1. the more i think about it, the more i am frustrated, irritated and pissed about ang's hang up about me spending time or having any interaction with british petrol. i've known bp for over 4 years. she and i were friends (albeit in the weird-ish ex-girlfriend kind of way) long before i met ang. suddenly, with ang, i feel (have long felt, i should say) that i need to hide any traces of bp. to the point that i feel like it's this big secret and that i'm having an affair or something by talking to her. yeah, she's my ex-girlfriend, but she was my ex and my friend before i even met ang. years before. we call each other when we're upset or when we just want to bullshit and have exquisitely gorgeous non-sensical inane conversation purely for conversation's sake. i need to get that from somewhere. my relationship is lacking in many ways. that kind of conversation is one of them. and i'm ok with my relationship not filling every single part of me. but i should be able to have deep, meaningful rididiculously hilarious conversation outside of my relationship if i'm not getting it there. maybe she's jealous of me having a connection outside of her. when did my friendship with british petrol become negotiable? i'm not sure i'm entirely comfortable with that, if at all. ang is still hurt and feels a lot of mistrust because of that day i had lunch with bp and didn't tell ang until after and she wigged out, etc. yeah, part of me (ok, almost all of me) thinks she needs to get the fuck over it. i asked her the other day if she's planning to ever be over it and if she even wants to be over it. though i said it just a tad nicer. and i asked if part of her was relieved that she had some justifiable, tangible reason about why i shouldn't hang out with bp. she said no. but i disagree. just about every day since ang and i have lived in california, i turn my phone on silent or vibrate in the evening and on the weekend for fear that bp will call and ang will freak out. that's almost a year and a half of that. by now, it's second nature. and, it's crap. as of tomorrow, ang and i will have been together 2 years. so i guess i'm reassesing where i want to be at with myself and with our relationship. what are we doing to celebrate? having dinner and going to our first couples therapy session. and you think i'm joking. but i'm so not. 2. yesterday an old friend asked me if i think ang is "the one" and if i "just know" or whatever if i want to be with ang forever. i'm not sure i believe in "the one" anymore. or, more accurately, i don't believe anymore that things are that black & white, that simple. as bp once told me, "there's no such thing as meant to be." to which i'd add, sort of. there are the people you are drawn to, the people you choose to move forward with, the people you choose to work shit out with. which, i suppose is that commitment thing i so often abhor. and i pretty much (for me, anyway) think it's crap to expect that you would know whether you want to be with someone forever. i've thought that as far back as i can remember. i think it can work for some people, but i'm beginning to wonder if it's not in my nature, and that this is ok. the way i see it, you can plan and hope for the future, but ultimately, you have to take things step by step and day by day. i don't want to live for some intangible forever and be totally oblivious to today. this is not to say, however, that i don't think there will be people who will be around in my life in some capacity for quite some time, if not pretty close to forever.
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