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typhoon asphalt
2006-02-13 @ 12:09 p.m.
i am obsessed with things i shouldn't be obsessed with. on a day like today. which is maybe why i am obsessing about things i shouldn't be obsessing about because it's easier than looking at what today is.
and maybe the sad part, or the highly revealing part (in more than one way) is that i wasn't even thinking about it (because i was busy obsessing about things i shouldn't be obsessing about) until i opened the e-card from her that said happy would-be anniversary.
the anniversary of something that isn't anymore. and that's not even right. the relationship isn't even fully over. it's in a mushy middle space filled with shades of grey: charcoal, asphalt. typhoon clouds.
things don't stop having meaning for me because they aren't the same, because they transitioned, because the dynamic changed...
so today is the would-be two year anniversary. of the day i said we should go down to city hall and watch same-sex marriages, bask in history. two years ago, right after she moved here. right after i watched news coverage of phyllis and del getting married at city hall. moved to tears i'm sure because months before that, i had been writing press release upon press release about lawrence v. texas, in which the supreme court struck down sodomy laws, and the massachusetts brouhaha. wrote press releases espousing that, like fights to overturn miscegenation in the 1960s, this too, we shall overcome.
i'm big sappy activist (read: not entirely jaded), so i get all fucking teary-eyed and emotional about this sort of shit. so the fact that i had just moved back to california and had the opportunity to witness actual progress in a struggle for something even akin to equality.
that was feb 12, 2004. so i say to ang and her sister that we should go down to city hall the next day and bear witness. and then i start rambling about getting married and then when it gets overturned, joining a lawsuit against the government. to which ang's sister replies, you should marry for love, you don't marry for money. um, not that fucking kind of lawsuit. so many differences in lifestyle and perceptions of the world.
and yes, i feel like the big insensitive asshole. which i sometimes mind feeling like and other times not. we didn't go down to city hall with plans to get married. getting married was never a big childhood dream for me. as a kid, i remember thinking how fucking pissed i would be if someone proposed to me in a restaurant, springing that shit on me with no warning. see, i'm not your typical romantic.
amid all this rambling, the point is that today is the two year anniversary of when we got married at city hall. which has been a huge source of so much conflict in our relationship. i wanted to just get a marriage license because i thought it would be cool to have. she was like i'm not getting a marriage license and not getting married. and i was like well let's just get a license today and then THINK ABOUT IT and maybe come back another day for part 2. and she's like no because i know if we leave today without getting married you won't want to come back. which should have been a huge sign for both of us right there.
so we did it. waited in a 3 hour long line. after already waiting in other long lines. called our friends and told them. and they were excited and stuff i think and probably weirdly surprised too. but at the same time, we're all activists, so maybe we were all caught up in the excitement of the moment. i don't know...
and perhaps to make an already long story a tiny bit shorter, i was highly ambivalent about getting married. i flipped out and was so pissed when ang first introduced me to someone as her wife. which of course pissed her off and totally hurt her feelings.
but i am so not a wifey. i never wore a ring, much as she wanted me too. it just felt weird.
i don't know why i'm even writing about this all. it's not even pleasant. but it's probably long overdue. i have of ton of anger wrapped up around this day that makes it really difficult to even be sentimental.
i feel inclined to start railing off things like i need someone who... but maybe this is not the place, so i won't.
and while i may be a highly irreverent individual, i do want to tread lightly, cautiously where people's feelings, people's hearts are involved.
what was a beautiful commitment for her is a big fucking messy conflict for me. but i dont' take things at face value. i analyze, analyze. try to be conscious about what i do. i think about things, talk about them, write about them. please smack me if i ever lose my drive to be a critical thinker.
honestly, getting married was weird. going through the motions of something i wasn't really into and didn't really subscribe to. vows are weird, these pre-written things that everyone is supposed to say. ew. it just make me feel kind of dirty. disingenuous.
and i feel slightly like an awful horrible person for that. emphasis on the slightly. or more so on the fact that i feel like i should feel like a horrible person for that.
i keep coming back, editing this entry to add another paragraph, another set of thoughts. then another. and another.
i don't want to go celebrate valentine's day. i think it's a stupid holiday. even over the past couple years when i was in a relationship.
and maybe i've just been burned too many times, lost any connection to magical romanticism and such. maybe i'm just cynical and cranky about everyone now. maybe i'm just older and certain things seem more ridiculous.
and maybe this makes me an even bigger asshole but i have only one valentine's day that i didn't loathe or get thoroughly irritated by. and even that is long gone, (what's that about everything looking perfect from far away?) and i shouldn't be obsessing about it. and i don't want to become pathetic. so i hold back. hold out. ride things out by myself and try to, hope to get to a place where i'm clear.
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