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no f-ing words
2005-06-08 @ 9:59 a.m.
i am done, i think, with NOW politics. too much heartbreak, too much stress, too much too much. i just decided to make an endorsement of my former boss and her team, which includes the ex-girlfriend of much emotional turmoil. i knew i would catch wrath for it, but i wasn't prepare for an e-mail i got this morning. from a former friend, one with whom i'd had a serious falling out because she slept with nurse jill. we hadn't talked since i left dc. until recently that is. she had contacted me essentially seeking support for the challenging slate. i was wigged out that she called and slightly pissed at the audacity. weeks after that, i was reading eleanor clift's founding sisters and the 19th amendment, and it brought back how much i had cried at the end of iron jawed angels. cried because of injustice, cried because of triumph. and cried because lucy burns and alice paul saw their victory together. cried because s and i were going to be young feminist revolutionaries together. cried because that wasn't going to happen, cried because i wondered if, watching the movie, she thought the same thing. the absence of friends in my life with whom i've had fallings out hurts so much more than any romantic heartbreak. the gaping whole is so much more intense, its mark much deeper. friends leave a whole different kind of impression on you. s was, has been one of those people. and my anger and venom toward her has been nearly unmatched, exceeding perhaps even my venom toward my old roommate's twisted aztec princess girlfriend. so her e-mail to me this morning, telling me i had sold the fuck out hit like a serious blow to the stomach, the kind that leaves you red in the face, gasping for air. You didn�t see Lucy Burns giving Woodrow Wilson a blowjob to get the dream, now did you? she wrote. And, With allies in the trenches with me like you, who needs enemies in the movement? Ouch, bitter, and fuck you. i was the person who told hear about the bread and roses concept. about how, in social justice, we fight not just for the basic things like bread, but for beauty as well. she told me in her e-mail that i sold the roses up the river for bread crumbs. and it's a hard thing. because my old boss was shitty to me in the end and shitty to other people, i don't think that automatically means that anyone but her should be elected this year. especially when i seriously don't agree with the people running against her (though i do really like one of them). should a movement suffer because she was a shitty boss? i know it's not that simple, it's not simple any way you look at it. sigh. this sort of shit is the reason i got out of that damn organization in the first place.
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