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if only..
2005-06-14 @ 1:34 p.m.
if only my biggest problem right now was figuring out what to wear to dyke march... maybe i'll just pretend that it is and focus all my energy there. divert my attention from my fear that something is really, really wrong with me. that i need a good psychiatrist now, one who isn't a mouthpiece for the pharmaceutical industry who will assume that my symptoms should fit nicely into those mentioned in physician manuals, and that if my side effects and drug concerns aren't in there, they must not be real. i've been on anti-depressants for 4 and a half years. celexa to be specific, but now that forest pharmaceutical's patent on it has expired, i can pay the generic price for citalopram. who needs drug company logos on their drugs anyway. it's kind of weird. like a gap ad in my hormones. ugh. deciding whether to go on anti-depressants was a long, hard path. it took me a year of being horribly depressed to consider drugs. m and i would laugh that we'd do street drugs from some random person without batting an eye (harking back to co-op days of hi nice to meet you, yes please put your acid on my tongue and such). but this fda approved stuff, i don't know man, i'm all skeptical of that. maybe because it's a whole different scene, long term regular usage. when really, the industry likely doesn't know the long-term side effects. maybe citalopram loses its effectiveness after a while. maybe i should trying being off meds for a while. maybe i need different meds. maybe something else is wrong with me. maybe i'm bipolar. maybe my thyroid is dysfunctional. whatever it is, something ain't right. having worked through serious fucked up depression before, i know this isn't normal. i've seen what the upswing is like, and this sure as hell isn't it. i keep assuring my therapist that i'm not suicidal, that i'm not going to do anything to hurt myself. with that said, knowing i'm not going to pick up a knife and start slicing through flesh doesn't make it any easier during the times that wishing to be dead hovers over me. people like m understand this. it's not a want to take my own life. it's like i get possessed or taken over, or perhaps more accurately, i nearly drown in such intense, acute pain that not existing seems like the only respite. and i find myself in a battle of i want to live/i want to die. meek, tired, sad, exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid as the i want to live part of me may be, her voice, it seems, is powerful and strong enough and she always wins out. even though sometimes it's like she does, though barely. in these times though, i feel split. like there's a part of me that is aware of how fucking dark and serious this is, and it's terrifying, really. i'm sick of feeling like a fucked up basketcase who needs to be institutionalized and medicated to oblivion. i want answers and i want to fucking figure out what the hell is wrong with me and how to rectify the situation. and please don't tell me this is human condition. because if it is i fear i'm just not up to the task. i'd love so much to make one little phone call and see if i can get a handful of vicodin to get me through the week, but i think i may need to consider other ways of trying to move through this. other times, i think i'm not so fucked up. that i'm just highly sensitive and attuned to the world and to emotion and all that. and while that may be, i'd just like to not feel so fucking out of wack half the time...
but really, now with all this said, i don't want it to be cause for alarm. i don't think. none of it is anything new for me. and actually, more importantly, the fact that i've written it means that i've gotten it out of the mental tornado in my head, so i'm actually better off for having written it. it's when i say i'm doing fine and such, that there's cause for worry...
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